Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Send us your Text From Last Night!
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
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