Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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