we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
