I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the condom got lost in my hair
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
