you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
