did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
