i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
