she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
