I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
