I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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