Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
