When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Someone shattered a urinal.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
