I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
