I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
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