sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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