literally had 100 drinks last night.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
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I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
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So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
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