i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
