he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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