rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
