Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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