pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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