That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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