It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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