just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
