On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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