Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
