in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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