well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
