ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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