Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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