tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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