went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
