Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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