I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
