I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
