im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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