My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
false alarm. still invincible.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
