i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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