I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
