I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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