Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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