I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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