I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
