He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
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