OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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