I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
