FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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