I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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