I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
