one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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