idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
