I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
