Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
