Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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