my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
