She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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