I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
