Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
