I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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